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What kind of Recovering Catholic Girl are you?

Welcome, Recovering Catholic Girl!

You're probably a bit twisted but utterly fabulous.

You're not afraid of hell anymore because you've already been there. You've learned to taser your demons and turn their pitchforks into novelty lamps. You're ready to summon your angels as long as they can make you laugh.

Maybe you've spent years throwing open the door of the confessional and rooting around in the muck invented by frustrated celibates. Perhaps you've still got a heel stuck and need a little sassy encouragement to break free.

We're here to help you laugh it out.

Get ready girls, it's time to play the guilt away!

You Might Be a Recovering Catholic Girl If…

1. You smell incense and immediately break out in a cold sweat and the shakes.

2. On Good Friday you get a manicure and think, “Jesus got his nails done on this day many, many years ago.”

3. You attend Mass regularly only because the new young priest is smoking hot.

4. You see painting of "The Annunciation” and you yell, “run, Mary, run!”

5. You attend Mass in a well-to-do neighborhood so you can see the latest fashions in shoes and purses.

6. You tape a note on the side of the collection basket that says, “for our legal defense fund”.

7. You're addicted to "Sex and the City" reruns and you want to start a column in your church newsletter called “Sex and the Church”.

8. You show up fashionably late to church for a family baptism with a latte from Starbucks in one hand and the latest issue of “Us” magazine in the other.

9. You feel guilty for trying not to feel guilty about anything ever again.

10. You are laughing while you check out this website and you forward the address to friends and family.

“Guilty As Sin”

By Jayne Martin

Guest Blogger and Winner of the RCG Tagline Contest
http://injaynesworld.blogspot.com

I’m very excited and honored that my tagline “… serving guilt with a twist of lime” won the RCG contest and thanks so much to all those who voted for it.

As a Catholic, I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn’t feel guilty about something. Oh, sure, I say I’m a “recovering Catholic,” but anyone who knows anything about Catholicism knows what a contradiction in terms that is. One never actually recovers. The sight of a nun can still cause me a nasty case of hives.

When it comes to the bestowing of guilt and who gets the championship ring, there is a fine line between Catholics and Jews. I can only speak from my experience with the former when I say that sticking a symbol of a brutally murdered dead guy over an impressionable young child’s bed and telling her “He died for your sins” kind of messes with a kid for life.

Then there’s that confession thing. It was hard to come up with new material every single week. I mean, what kind of really bad stuff could a little kid do? Still, I knew I was a sinner so the pressure was on and I’d often just make stuff up. Father Timothy eventually became suspicious and gave me 40 Hail Marys for lying to a priest.

There were so many sins to keep track of. Mortal sins, the big guys, which assured you were going to hell and then a whole host of “venial” sins, which pretty much covered everything else anyone could possibly do. All this was meant to keep one on the straight and narrow path in a world where Satan was waiting around every corner with a cocktail and his recruitment pitch.

A little guilt is not such a bad thing though. Without a sense of guilt one has no conscience and without a conscience one becomes a sociopath like Dick Cheney and the members of Congress who have sold their souls to Wall Street. We might have a much better world, we’d certainly have a better government, had every one of them had their little prepubescent asses enrolled in Catholic school with nuns who could reduce you to a shivering puddle of bodily fluids with one stern look.

While I still talk to God, I no longer go to church or confession. I guess you could say I’ve cut out the middle man. But I do have a strong sense of right and wrong, and firmly believe that karma will kick my ass when that line is crossed. I have empathy for those less fortunate, those challenged with difficulties and struggling in ways that I, who have been so blessed, cannot begin to truly understand. I believe we are all created equal, neither sinners nor saints, and that we are our brother’s keeper.

I also believe that Jesus was a socialist and that if he came back today preaching feeding the poor and healing the sick he’d be ripped to shreds by the same fear machines who are doing their very best to pit us against each other every single day.

So no. A little guilt is not such a bad thing. It provides us with a moral compass. And because we have been given free will, we have the choice of whether or not to follow its direction.

On my death bed, I will ask for a priest to provide Last Rites, the act of absolution or forgiveness for all my sins. What the hell? It couldn’t hurt. And I think Father Timothy would be proud.

Mother’s Day 2010 – Inspired by Madonna

After a horrible weekend of allergy suffering back in early March of this year, I found myself going to an allergist for the first time in about 20 years.  Apparently, I’m allergic to everything that grows in my neck the woods — beginning in March and lasting through a good portion of the summer.

I’m even allergic to my precious black lab-chow mix dog, Abigail Rose (Abbie for short).  Since I refuse to part with Abbie under ANY circumstance, I just jack myself up on Zyrtec and Flonase every evening and hope for the best.  A very small sacrifice for a woman’s best friend!

At least I’m not allergic to cats, which is a good thing, since I have 4 of them. <Insert “crazy cat lady” joke here>.  The cats were delighted with the news, or maybe they were just more annoyed.  One can never tell with cats.

So, in addition to Zyrtec and Flonase…….WAIT!  I did a spell check on “Flonase” and the first word it came up with is “felonies.”  Hahahaha!

I digress…

Anyway, I decided to give the allergies shots a…um….”shot” this year.

After determining that I am allergic to everything under the Northern California sun, the allergist came up with the magic concoction to inject into my arm from now until the end of time.  Needless to say, I arrived at their offices feeling annoyed and VERY congested.

And caffeine-deprived.

As I entered the lobby of the medical facility, I looked up, trying to remember where that coffee cart vendor was…

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear???   Better than a sleigh and eight tiny reindeers!

A small craft fair!!  Oh Sweet God and Baby Jesus!  A craft fair!  Exactly what the doctor ordered.  The allergist and my shot would just have to wait.

Now, being the good Catholic my mother would like me to be, the first thing I thought was, “Okay, what holiday is coming up that would warrant a gift?”  Ding ding ding!! Mother’s Day!!  Perfect!  It was March and Mother’s Day was sort of around the corner.  (Note how I totally spaced on Easter..heehee).

So off to the craft fair I go, in search of the perfect Mother’s Day gift and perhaps a trinket or two for myself.

My mom wears the same gold crucifix necklace every day.  It’s nice in an “I wear a dead guy around my neck” kind of way, but I thought she could use a fancier one to wear on those special occasions.  I rummaged through all the necklaces with crosses and finally found a beautiful one with the crucifix.

NOTE TO ANY NON CATHOLIC READING THIS:  There is a vast difference between a cross and a crucifix (crap…should “crucifix” be capitalized???).  I can’t really explain in writing what the difference is, but perhaps it has something to do with the our pathological need to depict suffering and death; to remind ourselves how truly worthless we really are; and/ or that whatever problem we have, it can’t compare to being nailed to a cross?  Take your pick. I’ve never understood it, but what I do know is that you will NEVER and I mean NEVER see a good Catholic wearing a cross.  NEVER!  It’s always a crucifix.

I was so very pleased with my mom’s gift that I celebrated by buying myself a cute pair of earrings and  matching watch.

I came home after the shot appointment (and haven’t been back since, btw) and stashed the necklace away.

When Mother’s Day finally approached, I gave my mom the gift.  As she opened it, I thought of all the great outfits that the necklace would be perfect with, and I was scanning my brain to think of any future “special occasions” to which my mom could wear it.

My mom gushed over the gift.  And not just “oh, I really love this lame gift from my child and I need to show her how much I love it” but truly gushed over it.  I think I even saw a tear in her eye.  I explained where I bought it and how I knew she had an everyday crucifix but thought she would like a fancier one to wear on special occasions.  I even pointed out the pretty colors of the beads on the necklace and started to tell her what outfits would look great with this necklace…when I caught a very perplexed look in her eye.  Very, very perplexed.

I stopping my ranting and gave her that inquisitive “what’s wrong” look and she told me something I never saw coming.   For a brief moment, I thought she would say something very martyrish like “Oh honey…this looks expensive.  You should save your money.”

But she didn’t say that.

She said, “Um, I think only the Pope can wear a Rosary around his neck.”

A WHAT!?!?!?!?

Yup – a Rosary.

This carefully thought out crucifix necklace for my mom was nothing more than a Rosary.  I really couldn’t believe it, so I snatched from my mom and looked at it more closely

1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..  Ten beads and then a separate bead.  Rinse and repeat 4 times.  Voila!  You have yourself a Rosary!

Oh sweet Mother of God!  I unknowingly bought my mother a set of Rosary beads for Mother’s Day. ACK!!!!

I started to giggle and then I just belly laughed for about 5 minutes.  Even my mom laughed a bit.  I finally said “Well, I guess the pretty beads should have been the first clue.”

Afterwards I suggested that she wear it as a necklace and channel your mid 80’s Madonna.

Mom didn’t find that as funny.

Go figure.