Guiltless Parenting (from www.advice-with-dr-julia.com)
Okay, I finally did it! I admit it. I really stepped in it this time:
Against my better judgment and my life-long rule to never watch a movie in which an animal dies (I cried when the herd of whatever killed Simba’s dad, Mufasa, in Disney’s “The Lion King”), I watched “Marley and Me” over the weekend.
I know, I know…I must be a glutton for punishment, right? Well, I am Catholic, after all.
But, you know what scene really got me to cry…and I mean sobbing, snotty nose, red-eyed crying? Not so much the horribly sad ending, but the scene in which Jennifer Aniston’s character (Jenny) is clearly struggling about her feelings on being a mom and the decisions she has made in her life. She tells Owen Wilson’s character (John) that she wished someone would have told her how hard motherhood really is. This scene comes after an argument between the two that starts off fairly heated and escalates to the point where Jenny says she wants to get rid of the dog (Marley) as well as the husband (John), who storms out of the house.
Wow! You mean I’m not the only wife who on occasion wants to get rid of her husband (and I mean “get rid of” in the non Pamela Smart way of getting rid of your husband). And it’s not the end of the world to suggest such a thing in the heat of the moment?!?!? Wow! Really?!?!?
Stop. Back this truck up. *beep beep beep*
That’s not okay. That’s not even in the same zip code as “okay,” is it? Or is it? Let’s review:
When you get married and have children (once you’re married, you have to have kids, right? Yay Catholicism!), you must be happy, right? You have everything you’ve always dreamed of, always wanted, always…… STOP!!!
I am married and am a new mom and I am so happy. I’m just beaming with happiness. The Virgin Mother Mary could not have been happier than me…..STOP!
This crap just isn’t true. It just isn’t!
Being married is hard, no doubt. I think even your tried and true Catholics can admit to that – even in their out-loud voices.
But being a mom? Oh wow……to say that motherhood is hard is laughable. I don’t even know what words to use to describe it. I just can’t.
But I can tell you this: I’m not the beaming, over the top giddy happy mom that I am supposed to be, and I love my son blindly in spite of my obvious “shortcomings.”
I bet you my bottom dollar that even the Virgin Mary wasn’t entirely thrilled with motherhood every moment of every day and loved her son blindly as well.
OMG….I’m so going to hell for a) thinking this and b) writing it and c) posting it on a website. And look! I didn’t capitalize the “S” in “son” when referring to Jesus. Uh oh…
But seriously…why are we Catholic women made to feel that we should be so happy and content to be moms? And that anything less is almost blasphemy? Isn’t it enough to know that you love your child/children but to also admit that motherhood isn’t so glorious?
Even worse…why are we Catholic women made to feel like we are incomplete or somehow sub-standard unless we get married AND have children? Who made up these rules and why do we follow them?
Great! Now I have that “Love & Marriage” song stuck in my head.
alot of highschoolers are getting married here or wanting to get married. i mean im still a in highschool and I DONT want to marry yet or have kids. we are too young to be thinking of these things!!
There is nothing about motherhood that is about making yourself happy. It is not about self. Motherhood is only self-less. That means you better have a good self concept before you start because you will be buried in doing for others to the point that you can’t find yourself under the pile even 20 years later.
Happy is about finding love in the small things. The genuine moments when you have just survived a day of sheer hell and constant drudgery and there is a moment, a smile, a little hug. That is happy. The rest is cover up and lies.
Oh yes, the pressure continues… I’m just glad the siblings all had enough kids that I’m not pressured on that front, too!!! Only two dogs right now, but there have been additional pets in the mix in the past (at maximum point, there were two birds, two dogs and a fish) – the oldest dog is nearly 15 and while I’d love to get another, I couldn’t do that to her. We’ll wait until we find ourselves needing another dog (the younger dog WILL need a new companion once she passes, as they’re extremely bonded, even though there is several years age difference). Romance novels are pure mind-candy, and while they are wonderfully entertaining (as my bookshelf can prove, I read many of them!!), realizing that my reality would never match the books was a healthy thing!!! When asked about my reading choices, I like to say that I don’t want any reality intruding on my escapism.
Myself, I REFUSE to watch Marley and Me. I can’t do it. Any movie where a child or pet dies, I’m a blubbering mess. Won’t even pick up the book to read it, as I just know it will reduce me to a sobbing soggy mess. Best just not go there and find a Danielle Steele I haven’t read yet!!! No reality in my escapism, please! Life is hard enough!
The good thing about a large extended family (what catholic family isn’t?) is that the drama of “Living in Sin” is often ignored in favor of other bits of tasty gossip. And there’s plenty!! I had relatives who went a whole decade before they realized I was doing something so dreadful! An established couple who don’t have loud arguments in public, don’t have kids, nobody drinks too much, we both work too much – trust me, we’re boring in comparison with the rest of the family! It never pinged on the radar that we’d forgotten that whole “wedding” thing. And once the next bit of gossip went through, totally smooth sailing!
Hi MaryH and thank you so much for your wonderful insight. You are so right about it being normal to sometimes not want to be around your significant other. All that “riding off into the sunset” and “happily ever after” is for fairy tales, movies and romance novels. As I often say “Life is not a Danielle Steele novel.” (Yes, I’ve read Danielle Steele books – plural — as in more than one).
I’m impressed that you and your significant other withstood what I assume was (and continues to be) a lot of pressure from your families and friends to get married. Bravo! I know that Catholic pressure can be so overwhelming.
BTW, how many animals do you have? We have 5 cats (loud and proud crazy cat people) and a dog.
Oooh yeah – as a RC girl myself, I had to get over the whole “marriage and kids = HAPPY” when I realized my significant other did not want kids (I told him I was ok with that early on, as long as I could get plenty of pets, which is true… although at times, it still bothers me), and as years went by, I realized we were never going to get around to getting married – life kept getting in the way – jobs, bills, and mortgage, and where exactly were we going to fit in an expensive wedding? But even if we had done all of that, I don’t think we’d be happier. Life isn’t perfect, even if you do try for the fairy tale – we’ve known people who’ve met, married and divorced in all the years we’ve been together, people we thought would make it. But a solid relationship, where you realize those moments of “I could be happy if it wasn’t for you” are just signs of being human (and not at all a sign of The End), is the most important thing to hang onto. Realizing that perfection doesn’t exist, and that we will never live up to the June Cleaver stereotype, let alone what our Catholic upbringing expects, is the only way to stay sane.