Lust

The 67 Year Old Virgin

You know how when you are telling a story and you sometimes embellish it to make it more interesting and entertaining?  Or you might tweak the facts of the story so that you come out smelling like roses and your mortal enemy comes out looking bad?  Or perhaps you’ve heard and/or told the story so many times, that the truth is not really known, and no one really cares?

We all do this from time to time.  No big deal.

Well, the story I am about to tell you needs no embellishment, and I know you will find it entertaining, amusing and possibly a bit sad.   But since I really can’t avoid the family tradition of embellishment, I will indicate that I have done so by typing “(embellishment)” next to the b.s. text.  Deal?

So, a few days after my successful audition on “America’s Next Top Model” (embellishment), my mom received an invitation to a bridal shower for our cousin Sandi.*

My first reaction was “Hey, where the hell is my invitation?  After all, I’ve invited her to my showers, wedding, etc!”
Upon learning that I wasn’t invited, naturally I did the mature thing:  I began to criticize the bridal shower invitation.

What??  This wouldn’t be your reaction?  Yeah, right.

And now I am absolutely giddy to describe the invitation to you. Let’s start with the pukey color scheme.  Cream, black, chocolate and baby poop brown!  I kid you not!  I’m looking at it now and that’s the only way I can describe the color scheme.  And it screams “corporate” event versus a wedding shower.

And I think they used no less than 100 different fonts (slight embellishment…they used 4 different fonts) for the text.  It’s almost illegible.

Speaking of the text, as I tried to read this invitation, I came across the words “Lingerie Shower.”  I almost choked on my pizza!

There is nothing wrong with a lingerie shower if the “bride to be” is under 35 years old, but Sandi is….how do I put this delicately….well, she hasn’t been 35 in over 32 years.

For those of you who, like me, really suck at math, that makes Sandi 67 years old.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m all about flaunting it if you got it but shit, after 35, unless you are a celebrity, do we really still have “it”???  I’m 40 and haven’t worn lingerie since I was about 31 or so.

Maybe you are one of the chosen few that can wear lingerie well into your 30’s and 40’s but at 67?!?!?!?  I gotta ask:

W
T
F?

Am I being bitchy and judgmental?  Is the Pope an ugly, aging German guy?

Side note:  Let’s just say that cousin Sandi is not my most favorite person in the world and I really enjoy gossiping about her.

Anywho, on top of that, we (meaning my family and I) are pretty certain that Sandi has never had sex with either a man or a woman (this could be an embellishment but I’m not sure).  In fact, right after my aunt told me that Sandi was getting married, my first question was “to a man?”  My next comment was “Well, that will be a true white wedding, won’t it?”

I thought my Catholic aunt would give me a disapproving look, but instead she said, “That’s exactly what your uncle said.”

We both laughed ourselves silly!

BTW, the lingerie shower happened earlier this summer.  Stay tuned for a blog about the shower…it includes leopard print condoms…

*Names have been changed to protect the sexually challenged.